I would literally give anything right now to have my grandparents still with us. I’d love nothing more than to sit and talk to them for a few hours about life, how things were in their days and just feel them comfort me, even if it didn’t last it would still be worth it. My Gran was the nicest, gentlest woman ever. Softly spoken and her Devon drawl never left her, despite living in Scotland for over 60 years of her life. It just made her seem all the sweeter. Speaking of sweetness, she made the sweetest cups of tea ever and as such, I still find myself preferring sweet and milky tea. My Grandad, however, made tea you could stand the spoon up in or even tar the roads with. Super strong and a splash of milk, at the most, it was definitely tea for war veterans, as he was.
I can still remember the way the skin on their hands wrinkled and how Grandad’s knuckles seemed the size of snooker balls when I was a kid. He passed away almost 21 years ago now and I miss him like it was 21 days ago. My Gran survived him by some way, she was so strong for someone who appeared so soft and timid. She held the family together, she was the remaining glue and when she passed, the family split down the middle and there was a lot of bitterness and jealousy displayed. That made the loss even more difficult to take. I know they would both be devastated to see the current state of the family and to see how some of their children and grandchildren no longer speak to each other due to the arguments and, in a lot of ways, the pettiness. I want to ask them what their regrets were, what their perceived failures were as adults and parents/grandparents. I only want that because I have a picture perfect ideal vision of them in my head but I know they’re human and will have made mistakes. I wish I could borrow some of their wisdom and have them tell me that no matter how hard it gets, I can definitely make it through.
I’ve always missed them but, over the last year or two, that feeling seems to have strengthened for some reason and my heart aches at least a couple of times a day when they pop into my mind. The tears are hard to fight back as I write this, I’m wishing to have them back and I think that’s in hope of having some of my innocence back, as well as some of my security. The constant fear of not being safe makes me long for happier and safer times. Today is one of those days where I don’t want to be here, whether that means escaping somewhere and disappearing. Or dying. Today, I feel incapable of coping with what my anxiety does to me. Today, I’m wishing for no tomorrow. Let me rest with my grandparents, at peace for eternity.
Love you both, always.