Coping (Not coping)

Coping. I’m thinking about what coping means as I feel like I’m doing a terrible job of it at the moment. I’ve been hiding how I’m feeling from those close to me and only really venting or being honest on this blog. I had a solid amount of sleep last night but it was littered with anxious dreams, nightmares and just bizarre thoughts and happenings in general. Dreams often jump from thing to thing and last night was no exception. I woke up shaking and my stomach was already churning and in agony. The physical pain and upset is nothing in comparison to the mental equivalents. I am trembling to my core again today, my brain is completely restless and my body is too as a result. I can see how people turn to using and other methods of coping as this is consistently draining and I’m not entirely sure I can handle it anymore.

I don’t know how to attack this or to manage it or to arrange my thoughts/feelings in my head to make more sense and to stop my brain from constantly sabotaging me and my happiness. I’ve returned to fearing that I’m going to lose everything and for it to happen in a nasty and probably violent way somehow. Terrifying thoughts of what’s going to transpire and absolute anxiety over being hurt by those I love (because they no longer love me in return) are running wild in my brain, both consciously and subconsciously. The breathing exercises, the grounding, the medication are all reasonably effective counter-measures but nothing seems to be dampening this burning fear and panic. I feel like dousing it with drugs/alcohol but I’ve never done this before and wouldn’t know where to start or what my body could/couldn’t handle and the thought of doing that brings a list of its own anxieties. I don’t want to hurt anyone or let anyone down with my actions so I won’t resort to anything of the sort.

I’m running out of ideas on how to break this down or fight it every single day of my life. It always leads me back to dark, awful thoughts of doing silly/drastic things. I’m tired, always tired. I put on a brave face and lie to almost everyone about how I really feel because I don’t want people worrying about me or not being able to understand what I’m feeling but pretending to. It’s selfish, I’m a selfish person. But I can never be so ultimately selfish in removing myself from this situation, no matter in what context that is. I cannot leave my son, I cannot put my family through such heartache. I’ll struggle on for them but the reality is, without them, I’d already be gone. That’s a hard thought to live and cope with but it’s absolutely accurate, I hate that I hate myself so much and I hate that I am permanently fighting a losing battle with my mind. Always hoping for a miraculous recovery though.

18 thoughts on “Coping (Not coping)

  1. Hi, I’m sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment…it looks like your struggling to find some sort of peace…with anxiety which can become at times to hard to bear..thoughts of suicide can have obviously devastating effects in a person’s mind.. what’s making you feel this way..♥️

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    1. I don’t really know what triggers this and makes me feel this way. I have a lot of issues that stem back to when I was young and I cannot shake the kinds of feelings imposed on me as a result. I have abandonment issues which leads to the fear of losing everyone. My biological father was an abusive drunk and it’s left a lot of scarring. I’m always scared of being hurt and I think that’s where a lot of that comes from.

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  2. No..I don’t mind at all I wouldn’t of commented otherwise… it’s no wonder you have these triggers..aww bless you, of course it can definitely leave a lot of hurt..and pain, and you’ve been through a lot, and had a lot to cope with, and that can have a impact on your daily life..are you still seeing a counsellor.. but I suppose that can sometimes bring a lot of pain and suffering…I’m here to listen, always remember that..🙂. I’ve been in that situation of being hurt.. physically and mentally..♥️.

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  3. Even if the people around you don’t know that you’re struggling, I want you to know that your feelings are valid and they matter. Anxiety is very real, and it’s often triggered by unpleasant experiences. It makes sense that your dreams are scattered, you have bizarre thoughts and ideations. Honestly, I don’t have a solution as I too am struggling with a lot of anxiety. All I can really suggest doing is practicing mindfulness/staying present in the moment.

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    1. Thanks Hilary, it’s so important to me to know that I’m not alone and that this is real. I often think I’m going insane and when I can’t chase these thoughts/feelings/emotions away like “most other people”, it makes me feel like a failure and I add more pressure to myself.

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  4. Sending sunshine and hugs…
    Sometimes we just have to go through it to get through it… one of my friends are trying emdr now. And what I want to try for myself one day is somatic experiencing or tre (shaking) coz it’s not so much about speaking.
    Thanks for being here for me through it all…
    It took me 3 years to learn to sometimes accept it. I found 12 step groups taught me a lot although I never worked through the steps.
    Love, light and glitter

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    1. I need to be more accepting of it but I often just spend more time wishing it away and I suppose that’s like wishing away a part of me. Some moments of peace and clarity come and go, wish I could hold onto them for longer.

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      1. My pleasure. I’m glad I can return what you give.
        I found this morning it helped to let myself feel/want and kinda visualise that it’s knocking on the door and that I said hello and said I didn’t want it and knew it was camping outside the door but didn’t have to let it in.
        It was weird, but, it also worked…

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  5. I have been plagued with endless unsettling nightmares, too with a busy work week so have been absent. It does help me to have a really good sleep medication but this week was just so stressful. Maybe there will be some amazing cure in the future but in the meantime we try our best to manage your illness just like anyone with a chronic condition like Diabetes or MS, for example. Sometimes I feel selfish and self-involved but it is just another annoying aspect of our illness. Our thoughts obsess and race about – and it is all about us. Sometimes it makes me laugh – my mum was totally obsessed about herself but it was just a symptom of something greater.
    Don’t go down the alcohol/drugs route – it just makes everything worse. Personally I do not believe the hype about CBD products and think they are unregulated so you don’t know what’s really in them.
    Sending a hug!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I just looked at my first comment and it wasn’t very helpful… So sorry, Steve, January blues are getting to me. This time I am sending a supportive hug and hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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